This Woman Is a Genius

It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
'Cause you were born this way, baby

My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are"
She said, "'Cause He made you perfect, babe"
"So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"

I'm beautiful in my way,
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Ooo, there ain't no other way
Baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooo, there ain't other way
Baby, I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Don't be!

Give yourself prudence and love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (hey, hey, hey)
I love my life, I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)

I'm beautiful in my way,
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Ooo, there ain't no other way
Baby, I was born this way

Baby, I was born this way
Ooo, there ain't other way
Baby, I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Don't be!

Don't be drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'Cause baby, you were born this way

No matter gay, straight or bi
Lesbian, transgendered life
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to survive
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to be brave

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Ooo, there ain't no other way
Baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooo, there ain't other way
Baby, I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

I was born this way, hey!
I was born this wayy, hey!
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way, hey!

I know that this song was probably meant to be a gay anthem, but it's not why I like it.

My son is beautiful and perfect & there's a reason he is the way he is. He's got a superstar personality, he just has a hard time physically expressing it.

"Don't be a drag, just be a queen" can relate to us, too. I can't be Debbie Downer about what's wrong with my boy. I need to adapt, overcome, and learn to own & control the situation like a queen. This will not defeat my queendom. =P

I love Lady Gaga.

The chorus just kept replaying in my head earlier today and, of course, menstruating me wanted to cry every time it did. Damn it. Having children makes you different.

Man of My Dreams

I never had this happen until last night.

I had a dream of a guy that I was interested in that could actually exist.

I don't know him. I don't even remember his name. He did not have that "AHHH" factor. You know, that heavenly glow coming from behind him while a choir of angels sings? Yeah, that one I saw around my baby daddy when I first saw him.

This guy also wasn't stunningly good looking. He was "cute". He wasn't one to suck you in with his eyes.

He was just a straight, honest guy. Clean, cut, dark hair, even complexion, dark eyes, and a normal stomach (instead of washboard abs). His teeth were crooked in the front. He had a very average look to him, but I was diggin' it. Like... We all dig food. But food is a very generalized term... And this guy's features were all generalized. He even had back problems! Hell, in my dream, I met him in a hospital. Lol.

He played baseball in high school. He was very aid back. He knew his place. But, I didn't feel like I had to talk a lot or "over communicate" with him. We just were.

As I get older, I think "back in the day, I never discussed my relationships with my parenter in the relationship." Now I know why. It annoys the hell out of me.

I want someone to just "be" with. I know that may be a little out of the ballpark, but can't I dream? Lol. Isn't that how this blog started? =P

I'm so frustrated.

My mom was going through our baby books. She just had to read off information like when we started crawling, walking, eating, etc... Most of those were before 12 months. A great majority of what she named of was before my son's age. He will be nine months in a few days. He doesn't do much of anything. He tries to hold his head up, but he's not proficient. He tries to lunge himself forward to sit up, but he never makes it all the way. He tries to hold himself up and crawl when he's on his belly, but he shortly comes back down & rests. He can't really hold his balance when he holds himself up. He rolls from belly to back, but I'm not sure if it's because he wants to or because his balance is just that bad. We have to have a pillow underneath his chest for every tummy time or he will not lift himself. He can shake his rattle for about 20 seconds, then he drops it because he can't hold it.

He's getting to where he understands that he needs to put his arms up in the air if he wants us to get him. This gives me hope that one day he can tell us when he needs to go to the bathroom using a some kind of signal, at least.

He's trying to open his hands and touch things, but his hand looks like a crab claw when he does it. He's getting a lot better at reaching for things, but he doesn't hold his arm still when he gets his hand to them, the just knocks things around.

He's made progress in the area of physical therapy. He's not near as stiff as he used to be, but I'm not sure how much of a good thing that is. He's only 20 pounds, but he looks and feels so much heavier than other 20 pound babies.

I know he won't be able to make words and form sentences at the usual time. I can't keep his speaking valve on him as much as I would like because he has a hard time exhaling with it on.

It's getting so much harder for me. He wants to move more. I'm almost to the point where I can not do this anymore. I need more help.

He's too tall for his bouncy bounce. He doesn't tolerate his walker. He barely tolerates tummy time. Sometimes, he doesn't want to sit with me or play the games we're used to. I need something new. I need more resources. I need more help getting equipment. I need to know what is out there!!

He needs help with trunk coordination. He can't flex both sides of his body at the same time. It's one side or the other. He needs to learn to entertain himself. He needs to learn to eat sitting in something other than my lap. He's still taking four naps a day and sleeping nearly 12 hours at night. I know his musces need more energy and whatnot, but it's hard to believe that he's using any when he has more cellulite than I do.

Before I started typing this, I felt really hopeless. I couldn't see all the progress he had made. I still feel that way, a little. I mean, I feel like my life is put on hold and sometimes I forget that he's going to school in a few years and that we still don't have a confirmed diagnosis. I guess part of it is selfish, too. I'm so ready to spread my wings. I feel trapped, almost.

I love my boy and I'm going to do what I have to for him, but I'm having a hard time fitting my dreams into this scenario.

It's not my dream to work part time at the law office the rest of my life. I want to have a studio; a warehouse where I can create all my fantasies: designing the clothes, making the clothes, and even shooting the models in the clothes/accessories.

I have people telling me all the time that I shouldn't give up hope and that I'm an awesome mom and they try to give me all this "easier said than done" advice. For once, I'd just like to be a normal mom that gets to look on babycenter.com for some stupid advice like sleeping patterns and eating positions. It's so hard to find any advice on feeding positions for enternally fed babies. But, I may be making it hard because I don't believe that my baby needs to lay in bed all damn day.
I'd like to take my baby to WalMart without anyone else's assistance.
I'd like to be able to pack up and go to Tulsa whenever we wanted to and not just for a doctor's appointment or to be in the hospital.

I want to get on with my life.

Hobbies

So, Julie & Julia gave me an idea. I'm going to find a hobby I can work on learning every day for 365 days. Well, sometimes I can't do things, but I can pick it up the next day.

I'm thinking knitting. I can't finish a whole project in one day, but I can work on one everyday.

This Might Be Some TMI

I think my son and are sick with the same thing. I have discomfort in my chest, a cough, and a sore throat. My breath smells like his and what I'm coughing up is salty. My son's trach breath is rank. Last time I gave his doctor a sample, it was psuedomonas.

On top of that, I can't remember having a period in January. Good thing I'm not nor have I been sexing anyone.

I Have Beef

I have beef with people who like to throw pity parties for themselves. I don't care. I will not buy into them and when someone tells me (of all people) that YOUR situation is worse than mine... It makes me want to slap the skin off your entire body and stick just your muscle-y, tendon-y body in a chemical bath and watch you burn.

I don't know what it's like to lose a parent. Hell, I still have all my grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and I've only lost one cousin. I'm sorry for anyone who ever has to lose anyone in their life. It's terrible.

What I have witnessed, however, is my son completely blue from the lack of oxygen. I have seen him fight and struggle for one breath of air. I have seen him paler than snow. So pale to the point where I could almost see the blood flowing through his veins. I've seen him almost die four times.

This may be harsh for me to say, but I don't think your situation is worse. I have sympathy for you because it really is terrible to lose someone very close to you, but my son has a condition where he probably will not out live me. That's not normal. Losing a parent is. It happens. It's sad. I'm sorry.

When you're an adult and your parents die, life can go on. You are supposed to separate from your parents in life anyways.

When you're a parent, your child is your life.

My child is disabled. I'm hoping he won't be a child all his life, but due to developmental delays, he might. We don't know. But, basically, until he starts school, I can't REALLY get my adult life going. I don't have the time to date. I can only keep a part time job. I don't have the time for homework. I can barely do household chores because he needs so much attention.

In conclusion. when you say "My parents are dying of cancer, I had to quit school to take care of them. My situation is worse than yours.", make sure I'm not in the room or that it isn't on my f*cking status on Facebook.