Roughneck Mommy: Happy Birthday Carter

Roughneck Mommy: Happy Birthday Carter: "Tomorrow is one of my best friends sons 1st birthday Carter Brooks. I am so lucky to have a friend like Melissa, we've been friends since we..."

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I don't want to know your name...

I just want bang bang bang.

Ok, well... I already know his name, so the rules are different. Lol.

This Saturday, I WILL find a way to bone the guy I've been dating.

November 2009 was the last time I got it on. Granted, the asshole was cheating on me. It was still great sex. The attraction level was high. Last I checked, the attraction level is high on my new guy's end of the equation. Mine, not so much. I don't think it's because he's not attractive, but I think I'm still slightly under the spell of my ex's genes. I mean, I see half of him nearly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Therefore, I'm trying the theory that states:

"The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

I am aware that this sometimes is false, but that's a chance I'm willing to take to finally get rid of the memories of the loser, move on, and release urges.

I'm going to wear a short little sundress and about halfway to his house, I'm going to put my panties in my my purse so I can arrive without them. Then, I will forever remember his face when he discovers they're missing =P

Sex sex sex sex sex sex

I'm so ready.

Aww...

I miss being young, skinny and cute.

I need a young boyfriend.

My Attempt to Rationalize Homosexuality (Not really. It's more like questioning God without praying about it)

I've been thinking a lot late into human sexuality and why thank God would call being homosexual an abomination unto the Lord.

Why would a god discriminate one sexual preference?

If you think about, it in the days of the Bible, people were at a time where they weren't just procreating because they could or because they wanted a baby. They had other reasons. They were populating the earth and trying to create a heirs for their estates. If you are a homosexual, you obviously cannot procreate with your homosexual partner. However, in this day and age I believe that most would agree that it is no longer necessary to procreate to populate the earth. People are either having babies because they want them or because it happened.

There are several children in orphanages around the globe that would love to be adopted. Why is it wrong for them to be adopted by a homosexual couple? Parents are parents, a.m. I right?

Why is it wrong for a man to be attracted to a man? Why is it wrong for a woman to be attracted to a woman? Why is it wrong to be having sex with another of the same sex?

I don't know if anyone can be 100% homosexual, or heterosexual. I believe it's a degree issue. Whether that degree is 99% and 1% or 60 – 40, it has to be a percent. And I know that many people would deny this. But I'm sure a lot of these people are unsure of their personal fluidity or percentage or they are insecure or are afraid of what others think.

I don't understand why people think that these urges, cravings or attractions are unhealthy, unnatural and immoral. Everyone's hormones, I believe, have a lot to do with what people are attracted to. If I am scientifically mistaken, then there just must be something called "personal preference". I happen to think that the Bible is very outdated and is in need of some serious overhauling. There's a lot more going on then there was back in the beginning of the earth at to a couple decades after Christ.

P.s. I'm pretty sure that the book was written by people and not God himself. If we are not perfect, could there not be imperfections in the Bible? Plus, there's the whole "lost in translation" issue.

A Success!

I had a great date last night. I've known this guy for about three years. He's always come off as sane, stable, and just an all around good person. Normally, I'm really good at picking out people's faults and complaining about them. Those are usually people I can't see my self with. However, I don't really see any major faults. It doesn't seem like there's anything he does that I can see myself not being able to live with.

All things permitting, I could marry this dude. I should've dated him a long time ago when I had the chance. I find myself very lucky to have another shot at it.

I like the fact that he already has his career. This is what he does, what he wants to be, and he does it instead of complaining about hating his job and not doing anything about it.

He's very understanding. But you don't want to piss him off, either.

His birthday is the day after mine and we share the same astrological sign. I have to admit that I am quite attracted to some of my own qualities that I see in him (I.e. The ability to reason, the ability to control, etc...). Lol! Is that technically narcissism? Lol.

We're going out again next weekend and then after our birthdays. I think after those, it will be time for a family dinner at our hacienda. That should be... Interesting. I hope my brother is there.

Let Today Be a Testament

Last night, I had a date (blog for a different time) and on this date I felt great throughout the night. I ate how I wanted, drank how I wanted and bowled like I wanted. I had tortilla chips and bread at the restaurant and a wine cooler at the bowling alley.

This morning, mom makes carrot cake. I can't resist carrot cake, so that was my breakfast and lunch.

ALL effing day I have been fatigued and I've had a migraine that made me sensitive to light, noise, and smell. I've been so nauseous that I could't effectively be a mom today. It is that bad. I drove to the closest convenience store for a snickers and it was a good thing no one else was on the road because my head was not where it should have been. I'm surprised I didn't run into a building.

I haven't felt this way since I started my gluten-free diet about a week ago. Ugh. I never want to go back. No more!!!

I'm so upset over something I probably should just ignore.

I had this app on my iPad and iPod called "TextNow". Since I got the app, I had been getting texts for this kid named "Kev".

One time, this kid sent a picture of himself in drag. That was with no provocation, I might add. Just out of the blue, I have this text on my iPod with a picture of this 15 year old kid in a wig and with his sweater tied around his hips. It was hilarious. I told him he had the wrong number and he still went on with small talk. Nothing big. He did ask that I delete the picture and not text him. I was fine. I get it.

Today, this girl he knows texts me out of the blue. I immediately told her that I was not who she thought I was. She replied that she already knew that. I asked why she would be texting me. She said that she was just bored. I replied, "So you decide to text a single, stay at home mom?". She seemed to be fine with it and we went on with small talk about how I got assigned this Kev dude's old number.

Then the drag queen starts texting me and telling me that I freaked her out when I said I was single. Wtf?

Seriously, what I meant buy that is that I'm probably the last person someone should text when they're bored. I have about as much going on in my life as a snail. There's not really much interesting there. But these kids were taking it way out context.

Although I never provoked them, never asked for personal information, never asked for names or even ages, I still feel bad. My intentions weren't that of a sexual predator. I know I should just let this go. But I really wanted to explain myself. I think I feel the most terrible about it because I've never felt disliked by younger people. I mean, the drag queen started calling me a weirdo and a raper.

I'm neither of those. I didn't do anything.

Then this number starts calling the app. I can see where people try calling, but I can't answer the actual call.

I knew I would just make things worse by trying to explain myself. Like my mom says, "you can't talk to crazy".

The only thing I could think to do was to uninstall the app. I was feeling terrible, although I didn't do anything. I think it had something to do with the name calling. I think that's the only way I could successfully ignore it. I couldn't find out how to block their numbers.

So, since I didn't do anything, why do I feel terrible? I can't quite pinpoint my emotion. It's not guilt. It's maybe a mix between fear of getting in trouble just for even small talk with a minor and sadness that someone doesn't like me (which never used to bother me).

My God. Things in me have changed so much since I had C.

I can't do this anymore. I can't spend every minute of my day taking care of someone else. He needs more help than I can give. I can't do it.

This Woman Is a Genius

It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
'Cause you were born this way, baby

My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are"
She said, "'Cause He made you perfect, babe"
"So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"

I'm beautiful in my way,
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Ooo, there ain't no other way
Baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooo, there ain't other way
Baby, I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Don't be!

Give yourself prudence and love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (hey, hey, hey)
I love my life, I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)

I'm beautiful in my way,
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Ooo, there ain't no other way
Baby, I was born this way

Baby, I was born this way
Ooo, there ain't other way
Baby, I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Don't be!

Don't be drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'Cause baby, you were born this way

No matter gay, straight or bi
Lesbian, transgendered life
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to survive
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to be brave

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Ooo, there ain't no other way
Baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooo, there ain't other way
Baby, I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

I was born this way, hey!
I was born this wayy, hey!
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way, hey!

I know that this song was probably meant to be a gay anthem, but it's not why I like it.

My son is beautiful and perfect & there's a reason he is the way he is. He's got a superstar personality, he just has a hard time physically expressing it.

"Don't be a drag, just be a queen" can relate to us, too. I can't be Debbie Downer about what's wrong with my boy. I need to adapt, overcome, and learn to own & control the situation like a queen. This will not defeat my queendom. =P

I love Lady Gaga.

The chorus just kept replaying in my head earlier today and, of course, menstruating me wanted to cry every time it did. Damn it. Having children makes you different.

Man of My Dreams

I never had this happen until last night.

I had a dream of a guy that I was interested in that could actually exist.

I don't know him. I don't even remember his name. He did not have that "AHHH" factor. You know, that heavenly glow coming from behind him while a choir of angels sings? Yeah, that one I saw around my baby daddy when I first saw him.

This guy also wasn't stunningly good looking. He was "cute". He wasn't one to suck you in with his eyes.

He was just a straight, honest guy. Clean, cut, dark hair, even complexion, dark eyes, and a normal stomach (instead of washboard abs). His teeth were crooked in the front. He had a very average look to him, but I was diggin' it. Like... We all dig food. But food is a very generalized term... And this guy's features were all generalized. He even had back problems! Hell, in my dream, I met him in a hospital. Lol.

He played baseball in high school. He was very aid back. He knew his place. But, I didn't feel like I had to talk a lot or "over communicate" with him. We just were.

As I get older, I think "back in the day, I never discussed my relationships with my parenter in the relationship." Now I know why. It annoys the hell out of me.

I want someone to just "be" with. I know that may be a little out of the ballpark, but can't I dream? Lol. Isn't that how this blog started? =P

I'm so frustrated.

My mom was going through our baby books. She just had to read off information like when we started crawling, walking, eating, etc... Most of those were before 12 months. A great majority of what she named of was before my son's age. He will be nine months in a few days. He doesn't do much of anything. He tries to hold his head up, but he's not proficient. He tries to lunge himself forward to sit up, but he never makes it all the way. He tries to hold himself up and crawl when he's on his belly, but he shortly comes back down & rests. He can't really hold his balance when he holds himself up. He rolls from belly to back, but I'm not sure if it's because he wants to or because his balance is just that bad. We have to have a pillow underneath his chest for every tummy time or he will not lift himself. He can shake his rattle for about 20 seconds, then he drops it because he can't hold it.

He's getting to where he understands that he needs to put his arms up in the air if he wants us to get him. This gives me hope that one day he can tell us when he needs to go to the bathroom using a some kind of signal, at least.

He's trying to open his hands and touch things, but his hand looks like a crab claw when he does it. He's getting a lot better at reaching for things, but he doesn't hold his arm still when he gets his hand to them, the just knocks things around.

He's made progress in the area of physical therapy. He's not near as stiff as he used to be, but I'm not sure how much of a good thing that is. He's only 20 pounds, but he looks and feels so much heavier than other 20 pound babies.

I know he won't be able to make words and form sentences at the usual time. I can't keep his speaking valve on him as much as I would like because he has a hard time exhaling with it on.

It's getting so much harder for me. He wants to move more. I'm almost to the point where I can not do this anymore. I need more help.

He's too tall for his bouncy bounce. He doesn't tolerate his walker. He barely tolerates tummy time. Sometimes, he doesn't want to sit with me or play the games we're used to. I need something new. I need more resources. I need more help getting equipment. I need to know what is out there!!

He needs help with trunk coordination. He can't flex both sides of his body at the same time. It's one side or the other. He needs to learn to entertain himself. He needs to learn to eat sitting in something other than my lap. He's still taking four naps a day and sleeping nearly 12 hours at night. I know his musces need more energy and whatnot, but it's hard to believe that he's using any when he has more cellulite than I do.

Before I started typing this, I felt really hopeless. I couldn't see all the progress he had made. I still feel that way, a little. I mean, I feel like my life is put on hold and sometimes I forget that he's going to school in a few years and that we still don't have a confirmed diagnosis. I guess part of it is selfish, too. I'm so ready to spread my wings. I feel trapped, almost.

I love my boy and I'm going to do what I have to for him, but I'm having a hard time fitting my dreams into this scenario.

It's not my dream to work part time at the law office the rest of my life. I want to have a studio; a warehouse where I can create all my fantasies: designing the clothes, making the clothes, and even shooting the models in the clothes/accessories.

I have people telling me all the time that I shouldn't give up hope and that I'm an awesome mom and they try to give me all this "easier said than done" advice. For once, I'd just like to be a normal mom that gets to look on babycenter.com for some stupid advice like sleeping patterns and eating positions. It's so hard to find any advice on feeding positions for enternally fed babies. But, I may be making it hard because I don't believe that my baby needs to lay in bed all damn day.
I'd like to take my baby to WalMart without anyone else's assistance.
I'd like to be able to pack up and go to Tulsa whenever we wanted to and not just for a doctor's appointment or to be in the hospital.

I want to get on with my life.

Hobbies

So, Julie & Julia gave me an idea. I'm going to find a hobby I can work on learning every day for 365 days. Well, sometimes I can't do things, but I can pick it up the next day.

I'm thinking knitting. I can't finish a whole project in one day, but I can work on one everyday.

This Might Be Some TMI

I think my son and are sick with the same thing. I have discomfort in my chest, a cough, and a sore throat. My breath smells like his and what I'm coughing up is salty. My son's trach breath is rank. Last time I gave his doctor a sample, it was psuedomonas.

On top of that, I can't remember having a period in January. Good thing I'm not nor have I been sexing anyone.

I Have Beef

I have beef with people who like to throw pity parties for themselves. I don't care. I will not buy into them and when someone tells me (of all people) that YOUR situation is worse than mine... It makes me want to slap the skin off your entire body and stick just your muscle-y, tendon-y body in a chemical bath and watch you burn.

I don't know what it's like to lose a parent. Hell, I still have all my grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and I've only lost one cousin. I'm sorry for anyone who ever has to lose anyone in their life. It's terrible.

What I have witnessed, however, is my son completely blue from the lack of oxygen. I have seen him fight and struggle for one breath of air. I have seen him paler than snow. So pale to the point where I could almost see the blood flowing through his veins. I've seen him almost die four times.

This may be harsh for me to say, but I don't think your situation is worse. I have sympathy for you because it really is terrible to lose someone very close to you, but my son has a condition where he probably will not out live me. That's not normal. Losing a parent is. It happens. It's sad. I'm sorry.

When you're an adult and your parents die, life can go on. You are supposed to separate from your parents in life anyways.

When you're a parent, your child is your life.

My child is disabled. I'm hoping he won't be a child all his life, but due to developmental delays, he might. We don't know. But, basically, until he starts school, I can't REALLY get my adult life going. I don't have the time to date. I can only keep a part time job. I don't have the time for homework. I can barely do household chores because he needs so much attention.

In conclusion. when you say "My parents are dying of cancer, I had to quit school to take care of them. My situation is worse than yours.", make sure I'm not in the room or that it isn't on my f*cking status on Facebook.

Just Real Quick...

... I want to update the world about my recent adventure: I got my job back =)

But this time, it's better! I'm going back with technically my same status: legal secretary. However, I will not be working during the day and only on rare occasions I will be answering phones and dealing with appointments. I also get to pick and choose my hours. Basically, I get to work when I want to work =) That's the new American dream. Also, I came back with about a $0.75 raise. Lol.

Now, I feel like there's more of a purpose. I don't have to wake up in the morning and think "Oh great. It's time for work." It's more like "Mom, what are you doing tonight? I want to go to work!"

Never in my life have I been so excited for a Monday. Now I have a reason to actually keep up with what day it is. I have a reason to get dressed, brush my teeth, and put deodorant on. I'm elated =D !!

Happiest I've been in eight months, hands down.

No Skin Off My Back

I just talked to him, so I'm going to write about this while it's fresh on my mind. I want to let everyone know that I started the conversation by saying that I did not mean to offend him in ANY way and I really didn't.

I told him that I did not think he was 5'7". This wasn't a big issue when we were discussing it. Then I brought up the fact that even if I lost all my baby weight, I didn't think that I would be as small as he is. He got pissed.

He started saying something about me not knowing because I haven't seen him naked and that he can curl a 45 pound dumbbell. I don't care about any of that. He's tiny. His skull is tiny. Then he started calling me shallow. I've really been trying to date for personality. I was willing to try to overlook the physical because this guy was that cool. I just wanted to talk about it because I thought he was really into communication.

He gave me the option to think it over for a few days. I opted to take that because I felt like he had backed me into a corner and I needed to think about what to say to this guy to get my point across. BUT he just kept accusing me of being shallow so I said, "You know what, let's just don't." He said "OK" and hung up.

I felt a big weight... about two, 45 pound dumbbells to be exact, lift off my shoulders. I'm too busy for a guy. Before I called him, I deleted my pof account. I'm tired of that. It makes me think I'm desperate and I'm really not. I think I just really needed someone to talk to that understood my humor and my inside jokes. But, I felt like he was being really serious about finding a wife. He wanted to talk to me way too much for my taste. I mean, I have things to do and I can't be on the phone all the time. When I don't call or answer, I don't feel like I need to explain why.

By the way, my ex says that it's not that hard to curl 45 pounds. Lol.

I don't think I'm ready to be with anyone. Maybe "ready"  is the wrong word... Maybe it's more a long the lines of the absence of wanting to be with anyone. I just don't want to have another person that I have to keep happy. Two is enough. Plus, I want to establish my career after my baby starts going to school and things. I want to know where I'm going to be, financially and physically. I don't want to move to Arkansas. If I move anywhere, it will be to Tulsa or Dallas for the healthcare.

So now, I need a hobby other than boys. Lol.

I Went on a Date!

I found someone on Plentyof Fish.com that I could actually talk to. He's cool. I love his personality. I can laugh with him. BUT I have a few issues that I will be talking to him about tonight. They make things odd...

1. He LIED about his height! Lied, lied, lied, lied, lied! I'm 5'6" or 5'7". In my boots, I might be 5'9". This guy said on his profile that he was 5'7". He said on the phone that he was 5'7". He is not 5'7". He's shorter than my ex fiance. I mean, when I stood next to him in my heels, I saw the top of his head. Two inches does NOT make that much difference. That makes the dynamic awkward.

2. He is VERY small statured. I've always been small statured, but even if I lost all my baby weight plus 20 pounds, I would still not be as small as this dude. Another factor that contributes to the awkward dynamic.

3. I'm getting the feeling that he may be a little needy. He needs quite a bit of assurance and wants to know where he stands with me constantly. I think he expected me to call him this morning. If I don't want to call as soon as I wake up, then I'm not going to. Do I need an excuse? I mean, I don't do anything special. I'm not talking to anyone else.

I'm mentally exhausted. I want to try the dynamic, but if he doesn't like it when I say I need time for myself, then it probably won't work. I have a baby... That's enough of someone clinging to me and I like him. He's handsome, smart, and knows what I'm talking about without any communication. My baby and number one man =)

Decisions

So, recently my son has had a respiratory infection. It has really made me reevaluate some of the plans I had.

Like the fact that I want to go back to school. I can't attend class if I'm in Tulsa in the hospital with my boy. Tulsa is the only hospital around that is equipped to handle him and they have an extensive history on him, so that's where almost any hospital would send him: St Francis Childrens Hospital (love it there, btw. Seriously). Of course, almost any illness is going to be a huge thing, too.

For this respiratory infection, he's on antibiotics, oxygen when he sleeps, and he gets breathing treatments every 4-6 hours.On top of this, he's kinda cranky because he's teething :)

I wonder if I should wait or just go for it...

Online Dating Experience

Man. Online dating is pretty stupid. Lol.

I started a profile on plentyoffish.com because I don't have an opportunity to get out of the house enough to meet new people. Online dating is a way to get around that. The problem is weeding out the losers, the socially inept, and the Craigslist killers. I guess in this case, they'd be the POF killers.

One thing I noticed is how fast these men are trying to go, regardless of what they say and how they try to come off. A 40-year-old guy messaged me three times. On the third, he gave me his number. Trying to keep an open mind, I text him. After three texts, he wants to meet in person the next day. I'm going classify him as a POFK, a POF Killer. Lol. Three texts does not mean I want or feel comfortable meeting you. Sorry.

Another thing is that EVERY male profile has the phrase "hang out" on it. Let's get one thing straight. Friends "hang out". when friends "hang out" they do not cuddle. They do not kiss, f*ck, talk dirty to each other, etc. Girlfriends hang out with their boyfriends and boyfriends hang out with their girlfriends. They can kiss and do whatever in the sanctity of their relationship. People that don't really know each other, but think they may one day take something to the next level DATE! Online daters need to realize that when they are meeting these people and getting to know them that the safest place is either behind a computer or in a PUBLIC place with tons of people around. Of course, if you like the person, you want to meet them in person.

This is the way I am doing things. It's going to vary, of course, because of how connected certain people are and how people communicate with one another.

1. I message these guys a lot to get a feel of them.
2. If I think I can trust them and they don't ask super personal questions, I let them add me on Facebook. Facebook statuses can say a lot about a person. This is still a way for me to feel them out.
3. If they're awesome and still not asking where you live or who you hang out with (this is assuming that you have NO ties to this person), then the number is ok to give out. Preferrably when the MAN asks for it or gives his. I like the asking part because he would have to get a hold of you first.
4. Text or talk on the phone for one to two weeks. This all depends on scheduling and communication. You have to feel like the time is right before moving to the second step, but always be weary.
5. Go on a DATE with them. It's called online DATING for a reason. It's not called online hanging out. That's a chat room. Make sure the place is very public, like a busy restaurant on the weekend or a coffee house or even a library would be cute (libraries have cameras).
6. Keep going on dates until the both of you think that it is time to take things to the next level. At this point is when you need to be in a defined relationship. I can't give a time frame for this because when you know, you just know. Make sure this is a monogamus relationship.
NOTE: This is when you can have sex. Oral sex counts as sex and should not be done until a monogamus relationship as well.

From there, I can't give time frames because some relationships work out and some don't. However, I do know that if you're ready to marry, but you're partner isn't, then you need to get back on the market, fast. Don't waste your time with something that may not happen. I'm talking 9 months. A 9 month relationship is the average.

I do not want to hear you gripe about your ex. I don't want to know about their anatomies. I don't want to know about the sex. In fact, don't sext me until we're engaged. Don't ask about my boobs right off.

One guy asked "If your right leg is Christmas and your left is Easter, can I spend time between the holidays?"
I said, "Hell no." and haven't heard from him since =P Talk about loser weeding.

I actually had to block a few guys that I wasn't interested in. I mean, I'm a nice chick, but I'm sorry. I can't be with someone who is a cook at a fast food place. I need someone a little more accomplished and probably a little older.

I think I have met three decent guys. One is a little older and just plain cool. He knows the importance of not over-communicating. One is about 6 years older. He hasn't had much dating experience and I think that I would be an excellent teacher. The last is just plain amazing. I havent been texting him yet, but we share a love of the arts: tv, movies, music, comedy. He have very very many things in common. It's like I can be myself and not really get to know him. I guess easy would be the term.

I'm Glad I Never Had a Sister

My mom and I have enough drama between each other. She never had a sister either.

Unfortunately, I inherited a certain bad habit from her. We both just say things to people to see what they will say. If it works in our favor, then great! But we differ when it comes to when we get a reaction we don't want. I tell people "I'm just kidding. I just wanted to see what you would say." She does not admit this and continues to argue with the person or just go on like she never said it, then it's left ingrained in your brain.

Unbeknownst to me, she did this A LOT throughout my life. I always thought she was serious until I figured out what she was doing last week. She's the one who told me that my ex & his girlfriend weren't together anymore. I didn't really give her the reaction she expected and she just went on. Later that week, she said she only told it to me to see my reaction. I caught her doing this several times up until now.

I finally confronted her about it today.

I was telling my brother something stupid and totally not true. It was something like "Nathan, you're allergic to cheese. You have seizures then don't remember it." He knows it's false.

She was like "Why would you say something like that?"

I said, "Just to get a reaction from him. He knows it's totally not true. I got that from you."

Then we got into how she's done that with every boyfriend I've ever had. She always says, "Well, he's probably got another girlfriend" when plans fall through.

This is one reason I don't want to date right now. It's relationship sabotage.

This doesn't make her a bad mom. It just means she hasn't been very fulfilling in the social advice area of being a mom. She does it with my friends, too. It really makes me feel suspicious & socially inadequate.

I'm ready to move. Not because I don't love her, but because I hate having a sister.

Dear Grandma

I'm flattered that in your eyes, I can still fit into medium sized panties.

:P

Christmas

I must say, the day wasn't as bad as it started. Mom just had to wake us up at 8 am. It was relatively decent and stress-free. That's rare for me. No catastrophe. No disappointment.

One of my grandmas came over and spent a few hours with us. She seemed depressed. Her most recent husband passed away two weeks ago from a cancer started in the colon that spread all over his body. My heart goes out to her. I have only felt a fraction of what she's going through. I have been through a lot, but I have been blessed to only have to deal with few deaths.

I have to take my son to see his dad tomorrow.

I took him to see some relatives that were in from another state. My aunt had a child with cerebral palsy who died around 18 months old. From what I understand, he had either a massive seizure or choked on his saliva... or both.

I walk in the room & I start getting my son situated. Everyone is crowded around, watching. Talk about pressure.

I get him out of his carseat & my aunt starts crying.

A little bit later, she stops & by this time, she can't stand herself; she has to see more of him. I let her hold him & it was like she was in a trance. I would have let her keep holding him if it hadn't been his feeding time.

She was kinda detached for the rest of the night. I don't know if that's because that's how she usually is, or if it was my son reminding her of her son...

There are just some situations for which there are no words that fit.

Baby Steps Toward Freedom

I'm so proud of my boy today.

He has a prescription medicine that he takes twice a day. We were running low, so I decided to just get him ready and go. That's exactly what we did.

He did amazing! It takes 15 minutes to get there and back. He only needed suctioning once on the way there. On the way back, he was a little fussy, so I had to pull over a few more times. But then he went to sleep. So happy!

Baby steps!

This is Ridiculous

Why am I so angry? I have not been this angry since I got into it with my baby daddy in August. He's in the picture again now, but he didn't do anything... Well, he didn't do anything new at least. It's like every time he's in things I just get this way. It's an anger that just takes over me. Completely over me. I can't do anything other than think of how angry I am.

I want him to be in things. But he doesn't even have to say anything to me and I just get angry.

It literally gave me a migraine.

I don't know why it happens, but I do know that I'm the only person that it is hurting. I guess there are some more things that I'm going to have to deal with to get rid of it. I just, I guess, need to pin point exactly what it is...

There's no drama, but my brain just makes drama. This is ridiculous.

Strange Friendship

When I got engaged, I never would have thought that four years later we would be about 3 days away with children by different people but still have a great friendship.

It's so odd to me, in a way, that two people that were once engaged could have what my ex fiancé and I share. We're pretty tight.

I think it has to do with the fact that we started so young and we really were best friends in our relationships (there were many). It has been one of the few that I have experienced where I was accepted by his family & he was accepted by mine. We observed each other's families. We basically grew up together.

He did his best to teach me to drive. I was there when his mother passed away. He worked with my dad. I tutored his mom :P We wrote each other everyday when he was in basics & I even got to go to his graduation for it. We would go out and do something almost every weekend. I'd say we were a very active couple. I even liked his friends.

It's so odd that now I love his wife & am excited about his baby boy. I'm even excited about meeting her when she gets here after he's deployed.

I could talk to him about anything. Since he's seen how my family is, he can really understand when I have issues with them. But he also always has my back.

Crazy...

Leave Me Alone

I really wish my mom would quit telling me what to do and when to do it. She even calls when she's not here to make sure I'm doing my job. It makes me want to wring her neck!

I'm Carter's mom. She can't boss me around when it comes to him. She acts just like the people she makes fun of.

Hypocrit.

It Really Makes Me Wonder

I heard a rumor that my ex & his girlfriend are over.

Why am I so interested in the details of it? I heard it from someone I would call an unreliable resource. She got this information from Facebook creeping, so this may or may not be true.

By advisement from my attorney, I can not say much about my ex on the internet, so I won't. I'm not even really supposed to talk to him.

Is it healthy for me to want to ask him the specifics? Is it normal for me to be nosy about this?

I must say, although I do not know the specifics, it reaffirms my belief in karma. One party always gets hurt in a break up. I wanted both of them to hurt. But, I told myself I wouldn't do anything. They would get theirs in due time. I guess, that if this is true, "due time" has come for at least one party :) I'm happy to negotiate with karma.

I'm Mesmerized by...

... Avatar :)

I Love...

... Karma :)

Thursday Night Entertainment

I have my shows that I watch weekly. Thursday night is Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice & The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Unfortunately, all these shows fall in the same time slot. Fortunately, Grey's & PP was a rerun tonight :)

My comments from tonight's RHoBH:

I love Adrienne & Lisa.

I wish NeNe Leakes would have been at Camille's dinner party to slap some psycho... I mean psychic bitches. Lol. And Kim Zolciak should be there, too.

Faye does look like someone who would pose for playboy.

Although Kyle is right, I can't stand her. I think it's the way she expresses her attitude through gestures that are a little too ghetto for her tiny, white self.

Mauricio & Cedric are HOTT :) Oh! And Jiggy :P "Gimmie kisses!" Lol

I think Adrienne's husband looks better with the bandage on his nose :P

I like Taylor, but she looks like she was once a he. Maybe that's why "she" had to chase Russell, who, by the way, is a total A-hole that Taylor should divorce.

Glunk*!

I can't stand...

...people who wear flip flops in the winter.

Facebook Hiatus

This is my third day on my 5 day Facebook hiatus. It's quite bittersweet, but enlightening. I think I've learned how to use it.

When you get wrapped up in social networking, you can actually lose social skills. This isn't necessarily everyone's story, but I think it's mine. I used to love talking to people on the phone! Especially for work. Now, I dread calling anyone. I'd rather just text them.

You may think that it's more of a texting addiction, but I had a texting addiction when I loved talking on the phone. I know it's Facebook because I've made it my life, pretty much. Posting tons of pictures of my son & telling the world what I'm thinking or doing atleast 10 times a day.

People don't need to know this much about me without being a close friend or relative. A lot of that information is something people ask.

The world has changed. The last few guys I've dated have not called. They texted. Needless to say, they didn't work out. Facebook & texting are taking away very valuable face (and voice) time.

This overexposure is taking the healthy mystery out of life.

Cosi :)

 Best place to eat... Evar :)

4923 E 71st St 

I'm High As A F!@#ing Kite, Man

I've been watching E! & MTV recently, and apparently someone shot & posted a vid of Miley Cyrus hittin' the bong :P

I think people should take it with a grain of salt & leave her alone. Let her party. She isn't Hannah Montana anymore. In fact, I'm not really sure she has a contract with Disney (don't quote me on that). So, she can get crazy or even pregnant & probably still work.

Plus, her parents are divorcing.

AND she's in LA. They're trying (or already have) legalize marijuana. Tons of people her age smoke where the government wants to keep it illegal and a lot of these users are under 18. I can only name off a few people that I know personally that did not at least try marijuana at a younger age, me being one.

I bet she didn't drive home stoned.

I Don't Want to Waste Another Minute Here

The past couple days have just been terrible. There's so much drama, stress, and tension plus Christmas.

Mom is basically kicking me out. I have to sign up to try to get low income housing. Maybe then I'll be able to get a nurse for my son.

I hate being broke. I hate living off someone else. I hate living off the state.

What I've been through... most people would have just quit way earlier. My fairy tale would be to just up and disappear. I want to move somewhere where no one knows me & I can start all over & never tell anyone of my past for years.

There's a song in mind when I write this: 'I'm Going Away' by Meg & Dia. "Please just forget me. I'm going away. I'm taking a taxi to Kentucky where they don't need to know all about me."

Leaving is better than suicide, right? Well, right now, neither is attainable. Another song comes to mind: 'Weightless' by All Time Low. "But I'm stuck in the f!@#ing rut, waiting on a secondhand pick-me-up and I'm over getting older. If I could just find the time, I would never let another day go by...

... I've been going crazy. I don't want to waste another minute here."

That's my inspirational song.

I feel like I'm in a sea of adults. I don't feel like I have any real friends I can talk to. I don't want to talk to my mom because she thinks having three normal children & a husband equates to being a single mom of a disabled child with no income who lives with her mother.

I don't want to talk to my grandma because it would just be a nicer version of mom.

My aunt wouldn't get it.

I have no sisters.

All my real friends have moved off. They don't have children yet.

All the people available are in their 30s. I'm 21 for Christ's sake! I need someone who understands how suckish it is when I can't shop when I want or stay out until 2 am or even go somewhere so I can make some friends.

How do I get out of this?

I think I made the first step today. I did a test run of taking my son somewhere without help. I had emergency back up from my brother, but I did all the work. It went pretty well & I'm proud that I can do it & it even made my demeanor brighter for the day (even though it was only 15 minutes).

The next step is Walmart. He has to get his flu shot first, though. That's after Christmas.

Ahh... Christmas. I hate Christmas. I am every definition of the term "scrooge". Why? Because, although my parents never let us believe in Santa (I ruined this for my second grade class), they still did the presents & decorations thing.

At first we made lists of what we wanted. Mom totally didn't even come close to what we wanted. Then they started asking us. That didn't work either. I think the best Christmas I ever had was when I was deathly ill & mom bought me the Aaron Carter CD. My parents would even build up to it, making us think it was what we wanted or something awesome. It was usually a disappointment, but my youngest brother usually got his expensive video gaming set.

I sound really bratty, but come on. I mean, would you rather waste your money on something stupid that they'll never use or even look at or just give them the money? I would rather my patents see me happy with something that they gave me the money to buy than for them to see me unhappy with the present they bought. Plus, they really don't have the time to shop. Please stay home! It's a great sign for us!

Honestly, I think I would just enjoy watching everyone else or not exchanging at all & just let it be like a second Thanksgiving. The two will soon be combined when employers find out they won't have to pay salary employees anymore for extra work. Half the world works on these days & we're trying to be in the global economy. Hello?

Plus, everyone hates seeing their families. How is it a holiday when you have to worry about presents and cooking and "who's coming in when?" and "where are they going to sleep/stay?".

Depressing rant over.

Testing

My Droid isn't wanting to publish my real blog...

Leave

At first, you were great

I liked our second first date.

But then you warmed up to me

Your true colors, I began to see.

You reminded me of my baggage.

But really, it was your nose that did the damage.

I knew something wasn't right

When you took me out the next time.

I knew you would do me wrong,

Just like in a Carrie Underwood song.

No one had to tell me.

My gut just said "Leave!"

You said you liked me from the start.

But eight years ago you broke my heart.

This time it wasn't right for me.

I just had to flee.

Your friends all left you and got married.

It seems to me like some baggage you carry.

I can't be your bff from day one.

I was just looking for some fun.

The clinginess was too intense.

You always needed reassurance.

Your nose was hideous.

Do you know the term 'hilarious'?

I could feel you would do me wrong,

Like in a Carrie Underwood song.

I could just see

You weren't in the cards for me.

You liked me from the start.

But eight years ago, you broke my heart.

Back then I couldn't see

The signs telling me to leave.

Fate :)

Yesterday, there was an article on the front page of the paper about a guy I used to have a crush on. The article was heading was along the lines of 'Police Catch Alleged Thief'. Lol

Isn't it awesome how somethings don't work out? It's like life or fate or God keeps something out of your life for your own good.

Fashion Show: The Ultimate Collection 11/30/2010

I'm giving props to Iman for wearing JEANS to the show! This is something Heidi would never do (and I can't stand it!).

It was so hard for me to choose my favorite look. I liked Jeffrey's, definitely (the winner). I can see how it was a hard choice between the houses and who to send home.

I just can't believe they sent Rolando home. He was a little stuck, though. My suggestion would be to be careful when your on that kind of time-constructing competition  and your trying something new. You never know what will turn out and you mat not have time to polish a totally new idea before runway time.

Although she got praised, I thought Golnessa's dress was hideous. Same with Dominque.

I love Edwardo, Calvin and Cesar :)

He's my world

I've decided to try a new course of action with my boy. He needs me too much for me to make him lay in bed and cry.

After his 10 pm feeding, I'm going to give him a bath, lotion, do trach & mickey button care and put him in a white t-shirt. Then, we're going to snuggled until he's asleep even if it means I have to stay up until 2 am.

The difference is that I will not be stimulating him after his bath... at all. Straight up cuddling only. He needs to sleep more than just 11 hours every 24 hours. Heck, I need more than 11 hours of sleep most of the time :P

I'm trying to ween him off his continuous feeding at night. Slowly. I think I'm going to decrease it by one ounce per month so he will be off of it by the time he is one.

So, its the first time I've mentioned what is wrong with him & my problem is that no one can tell me. The geneticist is pretty positive that its a neuromuscular disorder. He has a problem with pretty much all his muscles. This disorder affects how he digests & clears his secretions in his trachea.

When he was two months old, the doctor & I agreed that the best course of action was to do a trach, g-tube, fundo combination. He is doing great & gaining weight :) Looking at him, you wouldn't know anything was wrong and you would wonder what the purpose of the trach is, but once you try to move him, you would understand. At moments he is limp and at others he is stiff.

He's 6 months old and can't hold his head up & steady. His tracking is just so-so. He's a little delayed, but he's trying & determined :)

He's my world.

My Boy

I'm laying here with the sweetest baby on the world. He just got a bath and OS wore out. I'm not so sure what a normal baby does after a bath, but mine naps or just wants to cuddle in his favorite spot ( my left breast). Then again, my son is far from normal. Maybe it should be expected that he does the opposite of normal.

This poor boy has been through more in his first 6 months of life than I have ever. Well, maybe it just seems that way. My life has never been threatened, but I've witnessed his almost slip away about four times.

I won't go into too much detail, but there are only a handful of people who know what it's like to be me. If you think your kid(s) are a handful, come talk to me to feel better about yourself.

Lately, he's been having trouble with his sleep schedule. It's driving me batty. The sleep deprivation is affecting almost every part of my life. He'll cry until 2 a.m. He's at the age where it's ok to let him cry it out, but I look at him & remember the times I couldn't hold him because I didn't understand what was going on with him; because no one knew what was going on with him. I didn't really have mother privileges. It was "you can hold him when we have time."

But now it's whenever I want. It's whenever he needs me & when he cries, he needs me.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 11/28/2010

I just want to say that I think Tiy-E just wanted to be on TV again, Shereé. I don't think he's a real doctor. Seriously, what respectable college is going to give a PhD online? There are things you have to do to get your PhD (in almost anything) that would require a classroom setting.

Kim, I bet you didn't tell Andy you were pregnant because you wanted that gossip magazine to come out with the story first :P

NeNe: You go girl! You are way too beautiful to be with that ugly, old skunk bag. I bet he has old, wrinkly balls :P Lol.

The rest of the girls were just kinda chill on this episode in my opinion. I love this show. I wish I could be on one. I have enough drama to go around! Just no money :P

28

My brother got me out of the house. I got all pretty & we went to Best Buy. Either I'm boring, he is, or we've grown apart because we barely spoke on the way there. It was a little awkward. Good thing I brought my project.

He loaned me the money for a Bamboo digital graphic design tablet. I hooked it up at home and it's pretty much just a track pad. Kinda gay. I think I have to buy their expensive programs for it to be useful.

Now I have a massive headache and a baby that wants to play. Great.

I Choose Family Over Friends

I'm in a tough spot.

I got pregnant in September. In November, my best friend and my brother started dating. I know it's pretty cliché to say, but we really were like sisters. How weird is this... Especially when we talk about who we've been "with" and other very personal details. (Good thing she knew I wasn't down for discussing the new sex life.)

As I got bigger, I, of course, got tired & puffy and didn't feel like doing much & her & my brother got closer & closer or she got bored of me. I'm not sure which one won that out. I thought that maybe when I had my son, things would be different. I thought we'd get on as usual.

My son was born disabled, so I have to stay home with him a lot. We've done a few things together since May, but not much & it's always been on my suggestion. If you think about it, the only difference between friendship & dating when you're older is the sexual attraction. With that said, it should be understood that when you're not invited to do anything, then the party is just not interested.

She has also, within the last year, become "best friends" (as she calls it) with a local lesbian.

Within the last week, things have become difficult  between her & my brother. From what I understand, she told him he needed a therapist. He saw one & got on meds, but since then, she's needed her space or whatever. Me and her both know what that means without even communicating. It's over.

She was my best friend before they got together, but I'm so worried about my brother's well-being...

I think I'm going to have to finally choose my brother. I tried to stay out of it, but I don't think it's going to be possible.

The Thunder from Down Under

J: Was he bad?

M: He was magnificent!

J: Hahaha

M: He actually measured it in front of me, hard, and it was more than nine inches.

J: That would make me cry!

M: ait hurt at first, but then I got used to it. He's actually how I learned to orgasm. I slept with J & A, then M,   then A & it was like I knew what I was doing now. Great way to learn!

J is still laughing.

M: It was real funny. R took me out. He told me we were going to Atlanta, I dressed for Atlanta, but we ended up going to the cheesy Mexican restaurant in town. I didn't expect this but, it turns out, that M brought us our chips and salsa!

J: OMG!

M: Yeah! Then I couldn't keep a straight face. R looked at me weird and said, "What are you laughing for?" I said, "Don't worry about it. I'll tell you later tonight." R said, "What? Did you f*ck him?" I couldn't say no! I just nodded.

Then later that night he mentioned something about my baggage and I said, "What? That I slept with MS?" He said, "I didn't need to know the kid's name." I thought everyone knew M!

Then we pulled into J's parents' garage.

M: Awe, boo. We can't talk about it here.

J: No. We can't! I don't think my mom even knows I've seen one!

M: Haha! The thunder from down under!

We both share a laugh...

M: I have to tell M.