I'm Glad I Never Had a Sister

My mom and I have enough drama between each other. She never had a sister either.

Unfortunately, I inherited a certain bad habit from her. We both just say things to people to see what they will say. If it works in our favor, then great! But we differ when it comes to when we get a reaction we don't want. I tell people "I'm just kidding. I just wanted to see what you would say." She does not admit this and continues to argue with the person or just go on like she never said it, then it's left ingrained in your brain.

Unbeknownst to me, she did this A LOT throughout my life. I always thought she was serious until I figured out what she was doing last week. She's the one who told me that my ex & his girlfriend weren't together anymore. I didn't really give her the reaction she expected and she just went on. Later that week, she said she only told it to me to see my reaction. I caught her doing this several times up until now.

I finally confronted her about it today.

I was telling my brother something stupid and totally not true. It was something like "Nathan, you're allergic to cheese. You have seizures then don't remember it." He knows it's false.

She was like "Why would you say something like that?"

I said, "Just to get a reaction from him. He knows it's totally not true. I got that from you."

Then we got into how she's done that with every boyfriend I've ever had. She always says, "Well, he's probably got another girlfriend" when plans fall through.

This is one reason I don't want to date right now. It's relationship sabotage.

This doesn't make her a bad mom. It just means she hasn't been very fulfilling in the social advice area of being a mom. She does it with my friends, too. It really makes me feel suspicious & socially inadequate.

I'm ready to move. Not because I don't love her, but because I hate having a sister.

Dear Grandma

I'm flattered that in your eyes, I can still fit into medium sized panties.

:P

Christmas

I must say, the day wasn't as bad as it started. Mom just had to wake us up at 8 am. It was relatively decent and stress-free. That's rare for me. No catastrophe. No disappointment.

One of my grandmas came over and spent a few hours with us. She seemed depressed. Her most recent husband passed away two weeks ago from a cancer started in the colon that spread all over his body. My heart goes out to her. I have only felt a fraction of what she's going through. I have been through a lot, but I have been blessed to only have to deal with few deaths.

I have to take my son to see his dad tomorrow.

I took him to see some relatives that were in from another state. My aunt had a child with cerebral palsy who died around 18 months old. From what I understand, he had either a massive seizure or choked on his saliva... or both.

I walk in the room & I start getting my son situated. Everyone is crowded around, watching. Talk about pressure.

I get him out of his carseat & my aunt starts crying.

A little bit later, she stops & by this time, she can't stand herself; she has to see more of him. I let her hold him & it was like she was in a trance. I would have let her keep holding him if it hadn't been his feeding time.

She was kinda detached for the rest of the night. I don't know if that's because that's how she usually is, or if it was my son reminding her of her son...

There are just some situations for which there are no words that fit.

Baby Steps Toward Freedom

I'm so proud of my boy today.

He has a prescription medicine that he takes twice a day. We were running low, so I decided to just get him ready and go. That's exactly what we did.

He did amazing! It takes 15 minutes to get there and back. He only needed suctioning once on the way there. On the way back, he was a little fussy, so I had to pull over a few more times. But then he went to sleep. So happy!

Baby steps!

This is Ridiculous

Why am I so angry? I have not been this angry since I got into it with my baby daddy in August. He's in the picture again now, but he didn't do anything... Well, he didn't do anything new at least. It's like every time he's in things I just get this way. It's an anger that just takes over me. Completely over me. I can't do anything other than think of how angry I am.

I want him to be in things. But he doesn't even have to say anything to me and I just get angry.

It literally gave me a migraine.

I don't know why it happens, but I do know that I'm the only person that it is hurting. I guess there are some more things that I'm going to have to deal with to get rid of it. I just, I guess, need to pin point exactly what it is...

There's no drama, but my brain just makes drama. This is ridiculous.

Strange Friendship

When I got engaged, I never would have thought that four years later we would be about 3 days away with children by different people but still have a great friendship.

It's so odd to me, in a way, that two people that were once engaged could have what my ex fiancé and I share. We're pretty tight.

I think it has to do with the fact that we started so young and we really were best friends in our relationships (there were many). It has been one of the few that I have experienced where I was accepted by his family & he was accepted by mine. We observed each other's families. We basically grew up together.

He did his best to teach me to drive. I was there when his mother passed away. He worked with my dad. I tutored his mom :P We wrote each other everyday when he was in basics & I even got to go to his graduation for it. We would go out and do something almost every weekend. I'd say we were a very active couple. I even liked his friends.

It's so odd that now I love his wife & am excited about his baby boy. I'm even excited about meeting her when she gets here after he's deployed.

I could talk to him about anything. Since he's seen how my family is, he can really understand when I have issues with them. But he also always has my back.

Crazy...

Leave Me Alone

I really wish my mom would quit telling me what to do and when to do it. She even calls when she's not here to make sure I'm doing my job. It makes me want to wring her neck!

I'm Carter's mom. She can't boss me around when it comes to him. She acts just like the people she makes fun of.

Hypocrit.

It Really Makes Me Wonder

I heard a rumor that my ex & his girlfriend are over.

Why am I so interested in the details of it? I heard it from someone I would call an unreliable resource. She got this information from Facebook creeping, so this may or may not be true.

By advisement from my attorney, I can not say much about my ex on the internet, so I won't. I'm not even really supposed to talk to him.

Is it healthy for me to want to ask him the specifics? Is it normal for me to be nosy about this?

I must say, although I do not know the specifics, it reaffirms my belief in karma. One party always gets hurt in a break up. I wanted both of them to hurt. But, I told myself I wouldn't do anything. They would get theirs in due time. I guess, that if this is true, "due time" has come for at least one party :) I'm happy to negotiate with karma.

I'm Mesmerized by...

... Avatar :)

I Love...

... Karma :)

Thursday Night Entertainment

I have my shows that I watch weekly. Thursday night is Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice & The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Unfortunately, all these shows fall in the same time slot. Fortunately, Grey's & PP was a rerun tonight :)

My comments from tonight's RHoBH:

I love Adrienne & Lisa.

I wish NeNe Leakes would have been at Camille's dinner party to slap some psycho... I mean psychic bitches. Lol. And Kim Zolciak should be there, too.

Faye does look like someone who would pose for playboy.

Although Kyle is right, I can't stand her. I think it's the way she expresses her attitude through gestures that are a little too ghetto for her tiny, white self.

Mauricio & Cedric are HOTT :) Oh! And Jiggy :P "Gimmie kisses!" Lol

I think Adrienne's husband looks better with the bandage on his nose :P

I like Taylor, but she looks like she was once a he. Maybe that's why "she" had to chase Russell, who, by the way, is a total A-hole that Taylor should divorce.

Glunk*!

I can't stand...

...people who wear flip flops in the winter.

Facebook Hiatus

This is my third day on my 5 day Facebook hiatus. It's quite bittersweet, but enlightening. I think I've learned how to use it.

When you get wrapped up in social networking, you can actually lose social skills. This isn't necessarily everyone's story, but I think it's mine. I used to love talking to people on the phone! Especially for work. Now, I dread calling anyone. I'd rather just text them.

You may think that it's more of a texting addiction, but I had a texting addiction when I loved talking on the phone. I know it's Facebook because I've made it my life, pretty much. Posting tons of pictures of my son & telling the world what I'm thinking or doing atleast 10 times a day.

People don't need to know this much about me without being a close friend or relative. A lot of that information is something people ask.

The world has changed. The last few guys I've dated have not called. They texted. Needless to say, they didn't work out. Facebook & texting are taking away very valuable face (and voice) time.

This overexposure is taking the healthy mystery out of life.

Cosi :)

 Best place to eat... Evar :)

4923 E 71st St 

I'm High As A F!@#ing Kite, Man

I've been watching E! & MTV recently, and apparently someone shot & posted a vid of Miley Cyrus hittin' the bong :P

I think people should take it with a grain of salt & leave her alone. Let her party. She isn't Hannah Montana anymore. In fact, I'm not really sure she has a contract with Disney (don't quote me on that). So, she can get crazy or even pregnant & probably still work.

Plus, her parents are divorcing.

AND she's in LA. They're trying (or already have) legalize marijuana. Tons of people her age smoke where the government wants to keep it illegal and a lot of these users are under 18. I can only name off a few people that I know personally that did not at least try marijuana at a younger age, me being one.

I bet she didn't drive home stoned.

I Don't Want to Waste Another Minute Here

The past couple days have just been terrible. There's so much drama, stress, and tension plus Christmas.

Mom is basically kicking me out. I have to sign up to try to get low income housing. Maybe then I'll be able to get a nurse for my son.

I hate being broke. I hate living off someone else. I hate living off the state.

What I've been through... most people would have just quit way earlier. My fairy tale would be to just up and disappear. I want to move somewhere where no one knows me & I can start all over & never tell anyone of my past for years.

There's a song in mind when I write this: 'I'm Going Away' by Meg & Dia. "Please just forget me. I'm going away. I'm taking a taxi to Kentucky where they don't need to know all about me."

Leaving is better than suicide, right? Well, right now, neither is attainable. Another song comes to mind: 'Weightless' by All Time Low. "But I'm stuck in the f!@#ing rut, waiting on a secondhand pick-me-up and I'm over getting older. If I could just find the time, I would never let another day go by...

... I've been going crazy. I don't want to waste another minute here."

That's my inspirational song.

I feel like I'm in a sea of adults. I don't feel like I have any real friends I can talk to. I don't want to talk to my mom because she thinks having three normal children & a husband equates to being a single mom of a disabled child with no income who lives with her mother.

I don't want to talk to my grandma because it would just be a nicer version of mom.

My aunt wouldn't get it.

I have no sisters.

All my real friends have moved off. They don't have children yet.

All the people available are in their 30s. I'm 21 for Christ's sake! I need someone who understands how suckish it is when I can't shop when I want or stay out until 2 am or even go somewhere so I can make some friends.

How do I get out of this?

I think I made the first step today. I did a test run of taking my son somewhere without help. I had emergency back up from my brother, but I did all the work. It went pretty well & I'm proud that I can do it & it even made my demeanor brighter for the day (even though it was only 15 minutes).

The next step is Walmart. He has to get his flu shot first, though. That's after Christmas.

Ahh... Christmas. I hate Christmas. I am every definition of the term "scrooge". Why? Because, although my parents never let us believe in Santa (I ruined this for my second grade class), they still did the presents & decorations thing.

At first we made lists of what we wanted. Mom totally didn't even come close to what we wanted. Then they started asking us. That didn't work either. I think the best Christmas I ever had was when I was deathly ill & mom bought me the Aaron Carter CD. My parents would even build up to it, making us think it was what we wanted or something awesome. It was usually a disappointment, but my youngest brother usually got his expensive video gaming set.

I sound really bratty, but come on. I mean, would you rather waste your money on something stupid that they'll never use or even look at or just give them the money? I would rather my patents see me happy with something that they gave me the money to buy than for them to see me unhappy with the present they bought. Plus, they really don't have the time to shop. Please stay home! It's a great sign for us!

Honestly, I think I would just enjoy watching everyone else or not exchanging at all & just let it be like a second Thanksgiving. The two will soon be combined when employers find out they won't have to pay salary employees anymore for extra work. Half the world works on these days & we're trying to be in the global economy. Hello?

Plus, everyone hates seeing their families. How is it a holiday when you have to worry about presents and cooking and "who's coming in when?" and "where are they going to sleep/stay?".

Depressing rant over.

Testing

My Droid isn't wanting to publish my real blog...

Leave

At first, you were great

I liked our second first date.

But then you warmed up to me

Your true colors, I began to see.

You reminded me of my baggage.

But really, it was your nose that did the damage.

I knew something wasn't right

When you took me out the next time.

I knew you would do me wrong,

Just like in a Carrie Underwood song.

No one had to tell me.

My gut just said "Leave!"

You said you liked me from the start.

But eight years ago you broke my heart.

This time it wasn't right for me.

I just had to flee.

Your friends all left you and got married.

It seems to me like some baggage you carry.

I can't be your bff from day one.

I was just looking for some fun.

The clinginess was too intense.

You always needed reassurance.

Your nose was hideous.

Do you know the term 'hilarious'?

I could feel you would do me wrong,

Like in a Carrie Underwood song.

I could just see

You weren't in the cards for me.

You liked me from the start.

But eight years ago, you broke my heart.

Back then I couldn't see

The signs telling me to leave.

Fate :)

Yesterday, there was an article on the front page of the paper about a guy I used to have a crush on. The article was heading was along the lines of 'Police Catch Alleged Thief'. Lol

Isn't it awesome how somethings don't work out? It's like life or fate or God keeps something out of your life for your own good.

Fashion Show: The Ultimate Collection 11/30/2010

I'm giving props to Iman for wearing JEANS to the show! This is something Heidi would never do (and I can't stand it!).

It was so hard for me to choose my favorite look. I liked Jeffrey's, definitely (the winner). I can see how it was a hard choice between the houses and who to send home.

I just can't believe they sent Rolando home. He was a little stuck, though. My suggestion would be to be careful when your on that kind of time-constructing competition  and your trying something new. You never know what will turn out and you mat not have time to polish a totally new idea before runway time.

Although she got praised, I thought Golnessa's dress was hideous. Same with Dominque.

I love Edwardo, Calvin and Cesar :)

He's my world

I've decided to try a new course of action with my boy. He needs me too much for me to make him lay in bed and cry.

After his 10 pm feeding, I'm going to give him a bath, lotion, do trach & mickey button care and put him in a white t-shirt. Then, we're going to snuggled until he's asleep even if it means I have to stay up until 2 am.

The difference is that I will not be stimulating him after his bath... at all. Straight up cuddling only. He needs to sleep more than just 11 hours every 24 hours. Heck, I need more than 11 hours of sleep most of the time :P

I'm trying to ween him off his continuous feeding at night. Slowly. I think I'm going to decrease it by one ounce per month so he will be off of it by the time he is one.

So, its the first time I've mentioned what is wrong with him & my problem is that no one can tell me. The geneticist is pretty positive that its a neuromuscular disorder. He has a problem with pretty much all his muscles. This disorder affects how he digests & clears his secretions in his trachea.

When he was two months old, the doctor & I agreed that the best course of action was to do a trach, g-tube, fundo combination. He is doing great & gaining weight :) Looking at him, you wouldn't know anything was wrong and you would wonder what the purpose of the trach is, but once you try to move him, you would understand. At moments he is limp and at others he is stiff.

He's 6 months old and can't hold his head up & steady. His tracking is just so-so. He's a little delayed, but he's trying & determined :)

He's my world.

My Boy

I'm laying here with the sweetest baby on the world. He just got a bath and OS wore out. I'm not so sure what a normal baby does after a bath, but mine naps or just wants to cuddle in his favorite spot ( my left breast). Then again, my son is far from normal. Maybe it should be expected that he does the opposite of normal.

This poor boy has been through more in his first 6 months of life than I have ever. Well, maybe it just seems that way. My life has never been threatened, but I've witnessed his almost slip away about four times.

I won't go into too much detail, but there are only a handful of people who know what it's like to be me. If you think your kid(s) are a handful, come talk to me to feel better about yourself.

Lately, he's been having trouble with his sleep schedule. It's driving me batty. The sleep deprivation is affecting almost every part of my life. He'll cry until 2 a.m. He's at the age where it's ok to let him cry it out, but I look at him & remember the times I couldn't hold him because I didn't understand what was going on with him; because no one knew what was going on with him. I didn't really have mother privileges. It was "you can hold him when we have time."

But now it's whenever I want. It's whenever he needs me & when he cries, he needs me.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 11/28/2010

I just want to say that I think Tiy-E just wanted to be on TV again, Shereé. I don't think he's a real doctor. Seriously, what respectable college is going to give a PhD online? There are things you have to do to get your PhD (in almost anything) that would require a classroom setting.

Kim, I bet you didn't tell Andy you were pregnant because you wanted that gossip magazine to come out with the story first :P

NeNe: You go girl! You are way too beautiful to be with that ugly, old skunk bag. I bet he has old, wrinkly balls :P Lol.

The rest of the girls were just kinda chill on this episode in my opinion. I love this show. I wish I could be on one. I have enough drama to go around! Just no money :P

28

My brother got me out of the house. I got all pretty & we went to Best Buy. Either I'm boring, he is, or we've grown apart because we barely spoke on the way there. It was a little awkward. Good thing I brought my project.

He loaned me the money for a Bamboo digital graphic design tablet. I hooked it up at home and it's pretty much just a track pad. Kinda gay. I think I have to buy their expensive programs for it to be useful.

Now I have a massive headache and a baby that wants to play. Great.

I Choose Family Over Friends

I'm in a tough spot.

I got pregnant in September. In November, my best friend and my brother started dating. I know it's pretty cliché to say, but we really were like sisters. How weird is this... Especially when we talk about who we've been "with" and other very personal details. (Good thing she knew I wasn't down for discussing the new sex life.)

As I got bigger, I, of course, got tired & puffy and didn't feel like doing much & her & my brother got closer & closer or she got bored of me. I'm not sure which one won that out. I thought that maybe when I had my son, things would be different. I thought we'd get on as usual.

My son was born disabled, so I have to stay home with him a lot. We've done a few things together since May, but not much & it's always been on my suggestion. If you think about it, the only difference between friendship & dating when you're older is the sexual attraction. With that said, it should be understood that when you're not invited to do anything, then the party is just not interested.

She has also, within the last year, become "best friends" (as she calls it) with a local lesbian.

Within the last week, things have become difficult  between her & my brother. From what I understand, she told him he needed a therapist. He saw one & got on meds, but since then, she's needed her space or whatever. Me and her both know what that means without even communicating. It's over.

She was my best friend before they got together, but I'm so worried about my brother's well-being...

I think I'm going to have to finally choose my brother. I tried to stay out of it, but I don't think it's going to be possible.

The Thunder from Down Under

J: Was he bad?

M: He was magnificent!

J: Hahaha

M: He actually measured it in front of me, hard, and it was more than nine inches.

J: That would make me cry!

M: ait hurt at first, but then I got used to it. He's actually how I learned to orgasm. I slept with J & A, then M,   then A & it was like I knew what I was doing now. Great way to learn!

J is still laughing.

M: It was real funny. R took me out. He told me we were going to Atlanta, I dressed for Atlanta, but we ended up going to the cheesy Mexican restaurant in town. I didn't expect this but, it turns out, that M brought us our chips and salsa!

J: OMG!

M: Yeah! Then I couldn't keep a straight face. R looked at me weird and said, "What are you laughing for?" I said, "Don't worry about it. I'll tell you later tonight." R said, "What? Did you f*ck him?" I couldn't say no! I just nodded.

Then later that night he mentioned something about my baggage and I said, "What? That I slept with MS?" He said, "I didn't need to know the kid's name." I thought everyone knew M!

Then we pulled into J's parents' garage.

M: Awe, boo. We can't talk about it here.

J: No. We can't! I don't think my mom even knows I've seen one!

M: Haha! The thunder from down under!

We both share a laugh...

M: I have to tell M.