I Don't Want to Waste Another Minute Here

The past couple days have just been terrible. There's so much drama, stress, and tension plus Christmas.

Mom is basically kicking me out. I have to sign up to try to get low income housing. Maybe then I'll be able to get a nurse for my son.

I hate being broke. I hate living off someone else. I hate living off the state.

What I've been through... most people would have just quit way earlier. My fairy tale would be to just up and disappear. I want to move somewhere where no one knows me & I can start all over & never tell anyone of my past for years.

There's a song in mind when I write this: 'I'm Going Away' by Meg & Dia. "Please just forget me. I'm going away. I'm taking a taxi to Kentucky where they don't need to know all about me."

Leaving is better than suicide, right? Well, right now, neither is attainable. Another song comes to mind: 'Weightless' by All Time Low. "But I'm stuck in the f!@#ing rut, waiting on a secondhand pick-me-up and I'm over getting older. If I could just find the time, I would never let another day go by...

... I've been going crazy. I don't want to waste another minute here."

That's my inspirational song.

I feel like I'm in a sea of adults. I don't feel like I have any real friends I can talk to. I don't want to talk to my mom because she thinks having three normal children & a husband equates to being a single mom of a disabled child with no income who lives with her mother.

I don't want to talk to my grandma because it would just be a nicer version of mom.

My aunt wouldn't get it.

I have no sisters.

All my real friends have moved off. They don't have children yet.

All the people available are in their 30s. I'm 21 for Christ's sake! I need someone who understands how suckish it is when I can't shop when I want or stay out until 2 am or even go somewhere so I can make some friends.

How do I get out of this?

I think I made the first step today. I did a test run of taking my son somewhere without help. I had emergency back up from my brother, but I did all the work. It went pretty well & I'm proud that I can do it & it even made my demeanor brighter for the day (even though it was only 15 minutes).

The next step is Walmart. He has to get his flu shot first, though. That's after Christmas.

Ahh... Christmas. I hate Christmas. I am every definition of the term "scrooge". Why? Because, although my parents never let us believe in Santa (I ruined this for my second grade class), they still did the presents & decorations thing.

At first we made lists of what we wanted. Mom totally didn't even come close to what we wanted. Then they started asking us. That didn't work either. I think the best Christmas I ever had was when I was deathly ill & mom bought me the Aaron Carter CD. My parents would even build up to it, making us think it was what we wanted or something awesome. It was usually a disappointment, but my youngest brother usually got his expensive video gaming set.

I sound really bratty, but come on. I mean, would you rather waste your money on something stupid that they'll never use or even look at or just give them the money? I would rather my patents see me happy with something that they gave me the money to buy than for them to see me unhappy with the present they bought. Plus, they really don't have the time to shop. Please stay home! It's a great sign for us!

Honestly, I think I would just enjoy watching everyone else or not exchanging at all & just let it be like a second Thanksgiving. The two will soon be combined when employers find out they won't have to pay salary employees anymore for extra work. Half the world works on these days & we're trying to be in the global economy. Hello?

Plus, everyone hates seeing their families. How is it a holiday when you have to worry about presents and cooking and "who's coming in when?" and "where are they going to sleep/stay?".

Depressing rant over.